I like to think of myself as someone who forms his own opinions. You know, the kind of guy who knows what he likes and doesnât care what anyone else thinks.
The older I am, the more I realize that being that person is not natural for me. While I certainly have opinions, I am prone to leaning on the opinions of others or allowing their opinions to become my own. This is especially true if the opinion comes from someone I respect or admire.
Iâm not alone. Popular culture is a constant churn of opinions being adopted and discarded, often based on the perspectives of influential people. Iâve always had a keen eye for the churn; whatâs in or out; whatâs cool right now, or not. It seems like a kind of innate sensitivity I noticed when I was young and choosing to dress a particular way or listen to a specific band. I noticed. I cared, and honestly, I wanted people to know that I cared.

For most of my life, I never understood this about myself, or how it impacted me. That all changed when I met Sachi, who does not have the same sensitivity. The churn of pop culture has always been an enigma to her. She tells stories of growing up with friends who made collages from the pages of teen magazines, with boys and bands. They would slide carefully selected photos and stickers into their folders. She had no idea where to start. It wasnât in her to care and without the sensitivity, she could go through the motions, but not feel it. Unlike me, this perspective meant she was able to form opinions that were authentically her own.
This difference between us eventually bubbled to the surface and has become a subject of ongoing conversation. The discussions weâve had, could not have happened without bringing something real, yet mostly unspoken, to the surface. Once it came out into the open, it changed how I looked at myself.
It started with a simple question, asked by Sachi, when I was about to make a commitment, like a purchase: âWhy do you like that?â In this context, sheâs not questioning my tastes as much as my reasoning. Sheâs implicitly asking, âDo you truly like this, or do you want to be the kind of person who likes it?â
This question exposed a reality that I wasnât prepared to admit to myself. I am sometimes driven not by a sense of objective quality or beauty, but because I think itâs cool and I want to be cool. The real answer to Sachiâs question, more than I want to admit, is âI like it because itâs cool right now.â
Cool as a Force
Once I realized this about myself, I couldnât help but see it everywhere I looked. The word is constantly on everyoneâs lips. Think about how often you hear âthatâs so cool!â My bet is you, too, have considered coolness in making a decision.
Across cultures and classes, the desire to be cool is everywhere. Yet, itâs mostly unspoken at a personal level. Perhaps itâs difficult to admit that coolness is the goal because trying too hard to be cool is⌠uncool. Iâm obviously painting with a wide brush and I recognize this isnât everyoneâs perspective. But I also believe coolness is a great unspoken force thatâs behind more of our decisions than we want to admit.
Letâs get back to my relationship with Sachi. Once I was able to admit that I was driven by coolness, we both started to pay more attention. The weight of trying to be cool without admitting it was finally lifted and I was liberated. I could talk with her about why I think something is cool, or not. We could explore the idea together and ask: whatâs at the heart of this fundamental difference between us?
Whatâs interesting about Sachi is that sheâs not trying to be cooler than cool. She never decided to ignore pop culture or intentionally go against the trends. I describe it like this: Sachi has zero punk rock. Coolness is just something she canât see, like a kind of cool color blindness. She has said before that she canât help me pick new shoes because they âall look alikeâ. I find that fascinating.
A few years ago we were about to go out and Sachi asked what shoes she should wear. I said the Chuck Taylors would look good. Sachi then looked at a shelf of shoes which held two different colors of Chuck Taylor shoes and asked me, âWhich ones are the Chuck Taylors?â I was astounded and asked her âHow in the fuck do you not know which ones are the Chuck Taylors?â She shrugged and chuckled and asked, earnestly âDoes everyone know Chuck Taylors?â, âYESâ I said emphatically, everyone our age knows Chuck Taylors, but you. Everyone.â Since then, weâve asked all our friends. Yes, they all know Chuck Taylors.
Another example is music, which is a continual source of discussion about coolness. Popular music, like pop culture, constantly churns and one of my favorite pastimes is exploring and discovering a new sound. Part of the process is knowing what influential people think is cool. For Sachi, it just doesnât compute. She has zero interest in adopting new music because other people think itâs cool (except perhaps me, and thatâs a struggle). So, she sticks to oldies and I play albums over and over to condition her into liking them.
While she canât see shoes or music in the context of coolness, she has an amazing eye for home design and finishes. She can thoughtfully critique music, poetry, and economic trends. Yet, when it comes to making a personal choice related to current fashion, or what others might think is cool, she feels flummoxed and always has. Sheâs spent her life feeling frustrated by these decisions and for many years, I thought I could help develop her sense of style, but came up empty. Itâs bigger than that. I now feel itâs like trying to teach a blind person to see.
This SNL skit is the closest thing Iâve seen to capturing Sachiâs experience with clothes.
Whatâs the Point Here?
I donât have a big thesis. I am just fascinated by human nature and believe that weâre all more different than we realize. We all have blindnesses and sensitivities that make us who we are. And often, these are not things we can control or even recognize about ourselves.
What Sachi and I found is a way to bring the differences to the surface so they can be inspected and analyzed. It was a revelation to admit to Sachi (and myself) that Iâm driven by whatâs cool, even if the admission itself is uncool. Discussing Sachiâs blindness to coolness helped explain a lifetime of insecurities about clothes and fashion. We are very different people and by understanding the differences, we can find the best ways to work together.
Weâre not unique. Blindnesses and sensitivities help us all interpret reality, even if we donât realize it. If we look just below the surface, we might find parts of ourselves that we never noticed before. They may seem embarrassing to admit, or unreasonable, and thatâs fine. The key is understanding that theyâre a part of us that may not change. Instead of fighting against them, consider how to use them to your advantage.
I think I am a bit like Sachi when it comes to “cool”. I only find it an issue in a society where there is an expectation to be “cool”, to adhere to what is in fashion or trends, to be aware of a social pressure and to let it influence your choices. Yes, knowing what is “cool” is useful when you need to fit in or get accepted on a bigger scale than you would be otherwise, but it is often comes at a price of knowing your own preferences and being able to go for them regardless of their “coolness”.
As for the clothes, given fast fashion being blind to what is “cool” might be a way to go – shopping in thrift shops gives much bigger choice than what recent collections, is more sustainable and can lead to development of a recognisable personal style that is never out of fashion.
Thanks Lilia! I love seeing you comment here. I remember seeing your name in comments many years ago! Welcome back! I agree about fast fashion. That’s been one of the changes for us living on the island. There isn’t much of a reason to buy nice clothes. We prioritize comfort and durability.